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Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition Paperback – Bargain Price, December 26, 2007
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Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., in partnership with his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD., originated Imago Relationship Therapy, a unique healing process for couples, prospective couples, and parents. Together they have more than thirty years’ experience as educators and therapists and their work has been translated into more than 50 languages, with Imago practiced by two thousand therapists worldwide. Harville and Helen have six children and live in New York and New Mexico.
- Print length384 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherHenry Holt & Co
- Publication dateDecember 26, 2007
- Dimensions5.32 x 1.01 x 8.02 inches
- ISBN-100805087001
- ISBN-13978-0805087000
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Editorial Reviews
Review
“Hendrix provides much insight into how spouses can mature through one another.” ―Booklist
“Harville Hendrix offers the best program I've seen for using the love/hate energy in marriage to help a couple heal one another and to become whole together.” ―T. George Harris, Editor-in-Chief, American Health
“I know of no better guide for couples who genuinely desire a maturing relationship.” ―M. Scott Peck, author of The Road Less Traveled
“Getting the Love You Want is a remarkable book--the most incisive and persuasive I have ever read on the knotty problems of marriage relationships.” ―Ann Roberts, former president, Rockefeller Family Fund
“Getting the Love You Want provides a road map for partners seeking a path to intimacy and passionate friendship.” ―Marion Solomon, Ph.D.
“This book will help any couple find the love they want hidden under all the concealing confusion of a close and intimate relationship. I have seen these principles in application and they work!” ―James A. Hall, M.D.
About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Chapter 1
When couples come to me for relationship therapy, I usually ask them how they met. Maggie and Victor, a couple in their mid-fifties who were contemplating divorce after twenty-nine years of marriage, told me this story:
“We met in graduate school,” Maggie recalled. “We were renting rooms in a big house with a shared kitchen. I was cooking breakfast when I looked up and saw this man—Victor—walk into the room. I had the strangest reaction. My legs wanted to carry me to him, but my head was telling me to stay away. The feelings were so strong that I felt faint and had to sit down.”
Once Maggie recovered from shock, she introduced herself to Victor, and the two of them spent half the morning talking. “That was it,” said Victor. “We were together every possible moment for the next two months, and then we eloped.”
“If those had been more sexually liberated times,” added Maggie, “I’m sure we would have been lovers from that very first week. I’ve never felt so intensely about anyone in my entire life.”
Not all first encounters produce seismic shock waves. Rayna and Mark, a couple ten years younger, had a more tepid and prolonged courtship. They met through a mutual friend. Rayna asked a friend if she knew any single men, and her friend said she knew an interesting man named Mark who had recently separated from his wife. She hesitated to introduce him to Rayna, however, because she didn’t think that they would be a good match. “He’s very tall and you’re short,” the friend explained; “he’s Protestant and you’re Jewish; he’s very quiet and you talk all the time.” But Rayna said none of that mattered. “Besides,” she said, “how bad could it be for one date?”
Against her better judgment, the friend invited Rayna and Mark to an election-night party. “I liked Mark right away,” Rayna recalled. “He was interesting in a quiet sort of way. We spent the whole evening talking in the kitchen.” Rayna laughed and then added, “I suspect that I did most of the talking.”
Rayna was certain that Mark was equally attracted to her, and she expected to hear from him the next day. But three weeks went by, and she didn’t hear a word. Eventually she prompted her friend to find out if Mark was interested in her. With the friend’s urging, Mark invited Rayna to the movies. That was the beginning of their courtship, but it was never a torrid romance. “We dated for a while, then we stopped for a while,” said Mark. “Then we started dating again. Finally, three years later, we got married.”
“By the way,” added Rayna, “Mark and I are still married, and the friend who didn’t want to introduce us is now divorced.”
Those contrasting stories raise some interesting questions. Why do some people fall in love with such intensity, seemingly at first glance? Why do some couples ease into a love relationship with a levelheaded friendship? And why, as in the case of Rayna and Mark, do so many couples seem to have opposite personality traits? When we have the answers to these questions, we will also have our first clues to the hidden psychological desires that underlie intimate love relationships.
Unraveling the Mystery of Romantic Attraction
In recent years, scientists from various disciplines have labored to deepen our understanding of romantic love, and valuable insights have come from each area of research. Some biologists contend that there is a certain “bio-logic” to courtship behavior. According to this broad, evolutionary view of love, we instinctively select mates who will enhance the survival of the species. Men are drawn to classically beautiful women—ones with clear skin, bright eyes, shiny hair, good bone structure, red lips, and rosy cheeks—not because of fad or fashion but because these qualities indicate youth and robust health, signs that a woman is in the peak of her childbearing years.
Women select mates for slightly different biological reasons. Because youth and physical health aren’t essential to the male reproductive role, women instinctively favor mates with pronounced “alpha” qualities, the ability to dominate other males and bring home more than their share of the kill. The assumption is that male dominance ensures the survival of the family group more than youth or beauty. Thus a fifty-year-old chairman of the board—the human equivalent of the silver-backed male gorilla—is as attractive to women as a young, handsome, virile, but less successful male.
If we can put aside, for a moment, our indignity at having our attractiveness to the opposite sex reduced to our breeding and food/money-gathering potential, there is some validity to this theory. Whether we like it or not, a woman’s youth and physical appearance and a man’s power and social status do play a role in mate selection, as a quick scan of the personal messages in the classified ads will attest: “Successful forty-five-year-old S.W.M. with private jet desires attractive, slim, twenty-year-old S.W.F.,” and so on. But even though biological factors play a key role in our amorous advances, there’s got to be more to love than this.
Let’s move on to another field of study, social psychology, and explore what is known as the “exchange” theory of mate selection.1 The basic idea of the exchange theory is that we select mates who are more or less our equals. When we are on a search-and-find mission for a partner, we size each other up as coolly as business executives contemplating a merger, noting each other’s physical appeal, financial status, and social rank, as well as various personality traits such as kindness, creativity, and a sense of humor. With computer-like speed, we tally up each other’s scores, and if the numbers are roughly equivalent, the trading bell rings and the bidding begins.
The exchange theory gives us a more comprehensive view of mate selection than the simple biological model. It’s not just youth, beauty, and social rank that interests us, say the social psychologists, but the whole person. For example, the fact that a woman is past her prime or that a man has a low-status job can be offset by the fact that he or she is a charming, intelligent, compassionate person.
A third idea, the “persona” theory, adds yet another dimension to the phenomenon of romantic attraction.2 The persona theory maintains that an important factor in mate selection is the way a potential suitor enhances our self-esteem. Each of us has a mask, a persona, which is the face that we show to other people. The persona theory suggests that we select a mate who will enhance this self-image. The operative question here is: “What will it do to my sense of self if I am seen with this person?” There appears to be some validity to this theory. We have all experienced some pride and perhaps some embarrassment because of the way we believe our mates are perceived by others; it does indeed matter to us what others think.
Although these three theories help explain some aspects of romantic love, we are still left with our original questions. What accounts for the intensity of romantic love—as in the case of Maggie and Victor—those feelings of ecstasy that can be so overpowering? And why—as in the case of Rayna and Mark—do so many couples have complementary traits?
In fact, the more deeply we look at the phenomenon of romantic attraction, the more incomplete these theories appear to be. For example, what accounts for the emotional devastation that frequently accompanies the breakup of a relationship, that deadly undertow of feelings that can drown us in anxiety and self-pity? One client said to me as his girlfriend was leaving him: “I can’t sleep or eat. My chest feels like it’s going to explode. I cry all the time, and I don’t know what to do.” The theories of attraction we’ve looked at so far suggest that a more appropriate response to a failed romance would be simply to plunge into another round of mate selection.
There is another puzzling aspect of romantic attraction: we seem to have much more discriminating tastes than any of these theories would indicate. To see what I mean, take a moment to reflect on your own dating history. In your lifetime you have met thousands of people; as a conservative estimate, let’s suppose that several hundred of them were physically attractive enough or successful enough to catch your eye. When we narrow this field by applying the social-exchange theory, we might come up with fifty or a hundred people out of this select group who would have a combined “point value” equal to or greater than yours. Logically, you should have fallen in love with scores of people. Yet most people have been deeply attracted to only a few individuals. In fact, when I counsel single people, I hear again and again that “there just aren’t any good men (or women) out there!” The world is littered with their rejects.
Furthermore—and this is a curious fact—those few individuals that people are attracted to tend to resemble one another quite closely. Take a moment and think about the personality traits of the people that you have seriously considered as mates. If you were to make a list of their predominate personality traits, you would discover a lot of similarities, including, surprisingly, their negative traits.
From my vantage point as a relationship therapist, I see the unmistakable pattern in my clients’ choice of relationship partners. One night, in a group-therapy session, I was listening to a man who was three months into his second marriage. When his first marriage broke up, he had vowed to the group that he would never be involved with a woman like his...
Product details
- Publisher : Henry Holt & Co
- Publication date : December 26, 2007
- Edition : Revised and Updated
- Language : English
- Print length : 384 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0805087001
- ISBN-13 : 978-0805087000
- Item Weight : 10.4 ounces
- Dimensions : 5.32 x 1.01 x 8.02 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #117,763 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #321 in Marriage
- #326 in Love & Romance (Books)
- #593 in Interpersonal Relations (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
About the authors
Harville Hendrix Ph.D. is the New York Times bestselling author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, Keeping the Love You Find: A Personal Guide, and with his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, Giving the Love that Heals: A Guide for Parents. Harville and Helen have written over 10 books with more than 2 million copies sold. In addition, Harville has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey television program 17 times.
Harville co-founded Imago Relationship Therapy with Helen to promote the transformation of couples and families and create relational cultures that support universal equality. Together, Harville and Helen have developed a variety of resources to help couples, families, and educators strengthen their relationship knowledge and skills. In addition, they have trained more than 2,000 therapists in over 35 countries around the world.
Harville has over 40 years experience working as a couple's therapist, educator, clinical trainer, and lecturer. His educational background includes graduate degrees from Union Theological Seminary (NY), the University of Chicago, and a former professor at Southern Methodist University. In addition to being co-creator of Imago, Helen has been inducted into the Women’s Hall of Fame for her support of the women’s movement.
Harville and Helen have been married for 36 years and have six children and six grandchildren. They live in New York City and Dallas. For more information, visit: http://www.harvilleandhelen.com
Other books by Harville and Helen include:
Keeping the Love You Find
Giving the Love that Heals
Receiving Love
Making Marriage Simple
The Space Between
Helen LaKelly Hunt Ph.D. is the New York Times bestselling co-author of "Getting the Love You Want" with over 4 million copies sold. She also co-founded Imago Relationship Therapy with her husband, Dr. Harville Hendrix. Her partnership with Harville has led to the creation of 10 books on relationships and the widespread effectiveness of IMAGO therapy with millions of couples around the world.
She holds earned and honorary degrees from Union Theological Seminary (NY) and Southern Methodist University. As the author of "Faith and Feminism," Helen was installed in the Women's Hall of Fame for her leadership in the global women's movement.
Helen and Harville have been married for more than 30 years. They have six children, six grandchildren, and reside in Dallas, Texas.
Other books by Harville and Helen include:
Keeping the Love You Find
Giving the Love that Heals
Receiving Love
Making Marriage Simple
The Space Between
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Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonCustomers say
Customers find the book incredibly insightful and life-changing, appreciating its readability for lay audiences and its empathetic approach. Moreover, the material condition is excellent, and customers consider it good value for money. Additionally, the book is filled with great exercises. However, customers have mixed opinions about its effectiveness, with some finding it effective while others say it's not so workable. The pacing receives mixed feedback, with customers noting it's fast but slow in the beginning, particularly in the first section.
AI Generated from the text of customer reviews
Customers find the book incredibly insightful, helping them understand themselves and others, with one customer noting how it provides impetus to make more conscious decisions.
"...Later my friends bough even more for their friends. This book is a total eye opener for someone who went from religion to drinking, from dating..." Read more
"...psyche to heal some of your personal wounds this book will be a tremendous help on the way to a deeper understanding of yourself amd of others...." Read more
"...It can broaden your thinking and open new ideas to yourself and reflect much on past and where you want to be in the future." Read more
"...This book does not approach marital problems from a religious "you got to stay together because that's what God wants" point of view...." Read more
Customers find the book readable and fantastic, with one customer noting it's a terrific followup to the original work.
"...The personal insights alone were worth the read, but to have a road map of healing myself and helping my husband to heal were priceless...." Read more
"This is a wonderful book for understanding why we pick people in romantic love and how our overall decisions in relationships have to do with our..." Read more
"...So, all in all, it is a great book if you get the correct version!..." Read more
"...you the keys you need to understand yourself and others in a very clearly written, no-nonsense, easily understandable format...." Read more
Customers appreciate the book's emotional content, noting its empathetic and compassionate approach, with one customer mentioning how it explains past traumas.
"...take it to the next level and truly heal each other and make each other happy...." Read more
"...it is very intense with theory and application, it does resonate to the core of the heart and matter!..." Read more
"...Ideal for people who are curious, open, fair-minded and sincere about understanding why they do the things they do...." Read more
"...Gets to the root of why we choose the partners we do and gives a clear route back to harmony...." Read more
Customers are satisfied with the physical condition of the book, noting that it arrives in perfect shape.
"...stories are a little cheesy, but overall, I think that the material is applicable, and can absolutely be beneficially to strengthen your marriage if..." Read more
"...Reading this book just made it even stronger. We went through it and talked and really connected even more...." Read more
"...the book arrived in perfect condition but i was quite surprised at how long it took to ship and be delivered...." Read more
"The book arrived sooner than expected and was in like new condition. Very pleased with the purchase. The book has been a good read so far...." Read more
Customers find the book to be a great value, with one customer noting that marriage books are cheaper than counseling.
"...It's an incredible value for the content (all unabridged, 8 disks)...." Read more
"...The way I figure it, marriage books are far cheaper than marriage counseling, so would I buy again? Definitely!" Read more
"...It was a complete waste of money for me! It was not helpful at all and didn't really tell me "how to get the love I want."" Read more
"...Absolutely worth the time, money, and effort to read and complete." Read more
Customers appreciate the exercises in the book, with one describing them as powerful.
"...Instead it gives a series of mental exercises to help us better understand why we think the way we do and why we feel some of the things we feel...." Read more
"...Even if you're not religious or spiritual, this book is powerful. I recommend getting the workbook as well...." Read more
"This is an incredibly insightful book that is filled with great exercises that work to bring you and your partner together...." Read more
"...for making marriage work, is a very good book, with lots of exercises to maintain or work towards a healthy and happy marriage...." Read more
Customers have mixed opinions about the book's effectiveness, with some finding it effective while others report it is not so workable.
"...choose your partner more consciously and go into it with better tools to make it successful. Excellent book...." Read more
"...what the therapy was trying to accomplish and was based on real outcomes research. It is clearly written and understandable...." Read more
"...It was a complete waste of money for me! It was not helpful at all and didn't really tell me "how to get the love I want."" Read more
"...what they really want in a relationship and work differences out before they escalates into trouble...." Read more
Customers have mixed opinions about the pacing of the book, with some finding it fast and updated, while others note that the beginning is slow, particularly in the first section.
"...is that this 20th anniversary edition is the most up to date, improved version that is supported by actual stories of success...." Read more
"...2. The author tended to oversimplify the stories and scenarios and offered very simplistic and unsatisfying explanations...." Read more
"A very good book the information is helpful and timely, reading is easy to understand...." Read more
"...This material definitely loses something when it is read like a bad dramatic script...." Read more
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- Reviewed in the United States on February 25, 2013Format: PaperbackVerified PurchaseAn absolute eye opener! For me it took reading about 58 first pages of the book to buy 10 of them for all of my friends. Later my friends bough even more for their friends. This book is a total eye opener for someone who went from religion to drinking, from dating wrong individuals and losing kids to the separation mess to swearing to be alone for the rest of the life just to "feel" happy. I can't express more thanks to Dr. Hendrix and his team for putting this material together. When I went through it I knew how I could have saved those precious things in my past I lost because I did not know who I was. A couple of additional thoughts. It does help to find a group of people or a counselor to discuss (vocalize) what you discover about yourself. Even if it is a close friend. We all have a tendency of sliding back to our original comfort zone. Don't let what you learn be forgotten for it will be. Secondly, don't be surprised if some people (including your those close to you) have a different reaction to what you read. My girlfriend at the time could not deal with the proposed exercises and we ended up breaking up instead of saving the ending relationship. There were also a couple of friends who were well-read on psychology books. Stay away from those individuals and don't let them spoil your discovery of yourself. I was strong enough not to listen to them and the book made me a better man. Last and not least, speak about your findings and get the pain out of your chest. You have no idea what it means for your friends (the real friends) to understand you better to be able to help when you need it with the most appropriate action. People started showing more interest in me as I was uncovering the damage done to my individuality through incorrect upbringing. The latter also sparked a lot of conversations with my own parents. There were some hurtful ones. You will learn that your folks live in a bubble of belief that they were doing the right thing for you and actually succeeded in it. I came to realize that they almost succeeded at failing me and my sister. So the next step is learning how to forgive now that all the pain and skeletons are out.
- Reviewed in the United States on August 26, 2017Format: PaperbackVerified PurchaseA wonderful book that has been updated after 20 years of more tried and true field experience. This additional fine tuning will help even more individuals/couples get the love that they want. Easy to read with good real life examples of couples who struggle to heal their wounds and those of their partner. The personal insights alone were worth the read, but to have a road map of healing myself and helping my husband to heal were priceless. I have purchased this book as a gift for many people -- some were burgeoning psychotherapists that I thought could use some help understanding the much deeper meaning of the re-occurring scenarios in marital discord -- some were mature couples ready to re-define and re-shape their marriage into something much deeper and more satisfying -- other recipients were young couples whose marriage was in trouble and needed the assurance not to throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble and to use the road map [exercises and weekend workshops] to return to getting the love that they wanted and were often desperately while still in the first throws of romantic love. The authors have "been there/done that" and live the examples that they so lovingly write about. Even if your spouse/significant other is not inclined to seek/receive help, even if you are single and no longer want to be or even if you want to delve deeper into your own psyche to heal some of your personal wounds this book will be a tremendous help on the way to a deeper understanding of yourself amd of others. You don't have to have an intimate and/or close relationship with someone to appreciate their wounds -- your friends, family, children, acquaintances, and even in the macrocosm -- your community -- to better understand, appreciate and compassionately live with them. I highly recommend this book as a resource to getting the love you want in your life.
- Reviewed in the United States on November 21, 2014This is a wonderful book for understanding why we pick people in romantic love and how our overall decisions in relationships have to do with our upbringing. If we can continue to learn what is realistic to receive from a romantic relationship and what it takes to give the other person to continue in respect and love for another - this book explains it. I love the experience by helping couples the writer learned that when you just teach a better way of communicating it opens the door for each other to find something new to fight about. He explains how people can be divorced still living together and ultimately you have to decide if this is something to salvage or move on. There are two types of people in a relationship - a "fuser" or and "isolater" - which I think is amazing. One may have not had their needs met as a child and need to fuse with the person - feel safe and in connection alot, basically, worried about being abandoned. I had no idea that I had fear of abandonment because I was always fine on my own. The isolater keeps busy and fears being too close to someone so they keep their life very busy when with spouse - house chores, t.v., reading, projects, or hobbies. There is a test and ultimately the book can help if you are single or already in a relationship to better understand your own needs and who you are while trying to connect with someone. It can broaden your thinking and open new ideas to yourself and reflect much on past and where you want to be in the future.
Top reviews from other countries
- L.L.Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 12, 2020
5.0 out of 5 stars Wow - best book on relationships I've ever read
Format: PaperbackVerified PurchaseI've read a lot of books on relationships and this one is the best. Everyone needs to read it!
It starts off explaining how our childhood experiences lead us to choose the partners we do. It's a Freudian perspective but makes a lot of sense. It then moves on to how to improve your relationship and has countless practical examples and exercises to complete.
It is clear that the authors know what they're talking about and that their methods of supporting couples to improve their relationships are very effective.
I couldn't recommend this more.
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GOReviewed in Spain on October 13, 2014
5.0 out of 5 stars Un Libro Transformativo
Format: PaperbackVerified PurchaseGetting the Love You Want es el libro perfecto para los individuos en relaciones intimas las cuales desean mejorar. Pero es recomendados solamente para individuos dispuestos a trabajar--no hay respuestas simples. Después de haber empezado a leer el libro los cambios en nuestra relación empezaban a manifestarse. Muy poderoso. Muy informativo.
- Bella AnyangoReviewed in Italy on September 24, 2015
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Read
Loved reading this book. Couldn't put it down . Highly recommended for all couples. Don't wait for your relationship to be on the rocks.
- NOMITA WILSONReviewed in India on June 19, 2019
5.0 out of 5 stars Nice
Format: PaperbackVerified PurchaseA good read
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Ouail MAGHURAReviewed in France on March 7, 2019
5.0 out of 5 stars A ne pas rater
Ce livre est parmis les meilleurs que j'ai lus. Il est certainement utilie pour toute personne en couple ou qui a un projet de fonder un couple durable.