Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
Defining Moment
AROUND ONE O'CLOCK IN the morning on Monday, August 13, 2007, I was awakened by the sound of a loud thump. When I looked to see what had caused it, I noticed my husband wasn't in bed. Puzzled, I turned on the bedside light. "Pat? Where are you?" No answer. I climbed out of bed and went around to his side. He was lying motionless on the floor as if someone had set him down there. "Pat, why are you on the floor?" No answer. I shook him. "Patrick, wake up." I shook him again. Oh my god, what's wrong with him?
I put my ear to his chest. Nothing. I felt for air under his nose. Nothing. My adrenaline was surging. I raced for the phone, dialed 911, ran back to his side, put the phone on speaker and set it on the floor.
This can't be happening. Don't you die on me. Don'tyou dare die on me.
The dispatcher came on the line.
"I need help. My husband's lying on the floor. He's not breathing. Please help me do CPR."
"Help is on the way ma'am. Is your front door unlocked?"
"Oh my god, no."
"You have to go and open it. Where are you in the home?"
"The master bedroom."
I run downstairs, disable the alarm, fling open the door, run back upstairs and kneel at Patrick's side.
"Okay I'm here. Tell me what to do."
The dispatcher tells me how to position myself, where to place my hands, how to lock my arms. His tone is calm, prescriptive.
"This is what you're going to do, ma'am. On the count of three, you're going to push down hard on your husband's chest. You're going to press down for three counts. Then you're going to release and start over. I'm going to count with you. Tell me when you're ready."
"I'm ready."
"Okay, here we go. One. Two. Three."
I press on Patrick's chest. One. Two. Three. Release. One. Two. Three. Release.
I repeat the cycle six, maybe seven times.
"Is he breathing yet?"
"No. Why isn't he breathing? Why isn't this working?"
"Keep going ma'am. Stay with me."
One. Two. Three. Release. One. Two. Three. Release. "Come back Patrick. Come back. Please. Breathe."
"Mommy, what's wrong with Daddy?" Chloe, our seven-year-old daughter and Mya, her younger sister, are in the room. They can see their father on the floor. They can see me pressing on his chest. They can hear the dispatcher counting.
"Daddy's not feeling well, girls. The ambulance is coming. Can you guys go sit on the stairs and watch for the shiny lights?"
I say this in my mommy voice without breaking rhythm.
They leave the room.
One. Two. Three. Release. One. Two. Three. Release.
"Is he breathing yet?"
"No. Why isn't this working?"
I hear footsteps on the stairs. Male voices. "God, there are kids here," one says.
A fireman is in the room. In one fell swoop he scoops me up by the waist, lifts me in the air and deposits me outside the bedroom where his partner is waiting with the kids.
"We've got this ma'am. Take them downstairs." They go inside and shut the door behind them.
As we go down the stairs, the paramedics pass us going up. The foyer is swarming with uniforms. They're milling about, conferring in huddles, talking into walkie-talkies. The house looks like the command post for a military operation.
Two police officers are waiting for us at the bottom of the stairs. A female officer leads us away from the commotion towards the kitchen and family room at the back of the house. We sit down on the couch. I have a clear view down the hallway to the foyer from where we're sitting.
"How many children are in the house?" she asks.
"Four. Two are still sleeping."
"How old are they?"
"Nine and three. Should I go and get them?"
"No, we're not going to wake them. Who can you call to be with you right now?"
I want to call my mom, but my parents just left for a Mediterranean cruise. Jojo, our nanny, lives down the street. I call her to come watch the kids.
The officer wants to know if Patrick suffers from any medical conditions or is taking any medications. No. Does he use any drugs? No again.
She asks how long we've been married.
"Thirteen years. It'll be fourteen in January."
"Is everything good between you both?" At first I'm puzzled by her question. Then I understand.
She thinks maybe I did this. If Patrick's dead, maybe I killed him. Why else would my fit, 38-year-old husband be lying on the floor, not breathing?
"Of course everything's good between us."
Jojo arrives. She takes the kids to another part of the family room. I ask her not to let them see me cry. As soon as they're gone, I head for the bottom of the stairs. I have to be there when they bring Patrick down. The officer bars my way.
Ten minutes pass. Fifteen.
"Why are they up there so long? Why aren't they rushing him to the hospital? Can you please go and ask them?"
"Let them do their work, ma'am. We're all here to support you. Relax. Take a breath."
Twenty minutes. Twenty-five. Thirty. I'm going out of my mind. I keep peering down the hallway trying to push my way past the officer, get to the stairway. I don t understand. Why aren't they bringing him down?
But they're not bringing him down.
The fear is coming in titanic waves now. I try to outrun it. Please don't die. Please don't die. Please don't die.
I glance at the wall clock. They've been upstairs for thirty-five minutes.
He's dead. I know it. They can't get a pulse. Why else haven't they brought him down yet?
I start sobbing.
Another voice vies for airtime in my head.
Lisa, pull it together. You don't know if they have a pulse. You don't have that information yet.
It's true. I don't know. I mustn't jump to conclusions.
I pull myself together.
"Please," I beg the officer. "Let me go. I need to be there when they bring him down."
Finally she relents.
I race down the hall and stand sentry by the staircase. More minutes pass. At last the bedroom door opens. A police officer comes down the stairs. He's young, early twenties maybe. When he reaches the bottom I cling to his arm like a lost child.
"All I need to know is if you have a pulse."
"Yes," he says. "We have a pulse."
IF YOU'D ASKED ME to describe my life before the sirens came screaming to our door, I'd have told you it was blessed. I was married to my best friend — my high school sweetheart and the love of my life. I loved my job as Vice-President of Marketing, Customer Experience and Corporate Communications at FedEx Canada, and Patrick loved his as director of marketing at CGC, a global building supply company. We had four kids — three girls and a boy, ages nine, seven, five and three — and a beautiful home in Burlington, Ontario, a community about forty miles west of Toronto. That weekend we'd just returned from our annual summer vacation in Muskoka.
We'd been renting cottages in Muskoka ever since Jack, our youngest, was an infant. That summer we'd rented on Lake Muskoka. We did all the cottagey things: swimming, boating, bonfires. We had music going all the time: The Police, Pearl Jam, U2. The kids knew the lyrics to all of our favourites. When we cranked up "Blinded By The Light" they loved to sing along with Manfred Mann.
The most striking thing about those two weeks was how spectacularly ordinary they were. I planned our meals and Pat shot the videos, just as we always did. He barbecued the steaks and I kept an eye on them so they wouldn't overcook, just as we always did. I handled cleanup and he readied the kids for bed, just as we always did.
The two weeks flew by. Saturday we drove home. Sunday we got organized for the week. Sunday night we had Pat's family for dinner. After they left, we tidied up. Then we sat on the patio for a while and shared a glass of wine. Work was always nuts after a vacation and with four small kids life sometimes felt like an endless Tilt-A-Whirl ride. We wanted to savour our last few moments together before heading back into the fray.
After we drank our wine we put the kids to bed. Around ten, we turned in ourselves. We were brushing our teeth when Pat became reflective.
"You know," he said, "you and I are so fortunate. We have such a great life. We have a wonderful marriage and family, careers we both love, interesting travel opportunities. We've already had more joy than most people manage to find in their entire lifetimes. Even at my age, I already feel as if I've lived a full life."
He went on in this vein for the next fifteen minutes. He was still talking about how blessed we were when we climbed into bed.
Pat was a sensitive guy, but I'd never heard him talk this way before. I wondered what had prompted him to become so philosophical all of a sudden.
"Pat, where is this coming from?" I asked.
"I don't know. I just wanted you to know how I feel."
"Well I feel the same way, baby. But it's after eleven. We have work tomorrow. Let's go to sleep."
I turned off the light and we slid beneath the covers.
THEY HAVE A PULSE. I'm standing at the bottom of the stairs, clutching the railing, waiting for the paramedics to bring him down, my emotions a jumble of fear and elation. I know the situation is dire. I know he's not out of the woods. But when I left him he wasn't breathing. They have a pulse.
Five minutes pass. Forty-five have elapsed since help arrived. The bedroom door opens. The paramedics bring him down. He looks tanned and handsome as they carry him past. I follow them out the front door into the buzzing commotion and flashing lights. Two fire trucks, two police cruisers, an ambulance and EMS vehicle are parked on the street in front of our house. The paramedics put him into the ambulance and shut the doors. They pull away, sirens blaring.
I'm still in my housecoat. I tell the officer I have to change before I leave for the hospital. She says she'll drive me. She has to stay with me until the doctors determine what happened. She motions for me to follow her upstairs and warns me not to touch anything in the room. Until the police hear from the doctors, the bedroom is considered a crime scene. I open the door. Bandages, plastic gloves, syringes and medical paraphernalia are strewn everywhere. The sight is deeply unnerving.
I throw on something to wear while the officer stands guard. Then I head downstairs to find Jojo, who's still waiting in the family room with Chloe and Mya. By some miracle, Hailey and Jack are still sleeping. I tell Jojo I need her to stay overnight, then leave her to deal with the children.
Joseph Brant, our local hospital, is a fifteen-minute drive from our house. When we arrive, the ambulance is parked in the emergency bay with its doors flung open. The paramedics are standing around outside. Pat is still inside.
"What's going on? Why aren't they rushing him in?"
"Don't worry," the officer says. "We're going in. We'll find out what's happening."
She leads me into a small private room to the right of the emergency waiting area and tells me to call someone to be with me. I call my brother Michael. People keep knocking on the door. Every time someone knocks, the officer gets up, leaves the room and shuts the door behind her. I wait. I worry. I watch the clock. I'm desperate for information. My mind keeps returning to the last conversation I had with Patrick before we went to bed. Why was he so intent on telling me how grateful he was for his life? Did he know something was going to happen? Was he saying goodbye?
I retrace his words searching for clues. I keep flashing back to the young police officer that told me that they had a pulse. His expression was completely devoid of encouragement. He didn't tell me not to worry. The paramedics had been upstairs for forty-five minutes by then. I wasn't stupid.
Almost two hours pass. Around four a.m. a nurse comes in and asks to speak to the police officer. They step outside the room and return a few minutes later. The nurse tells me Patrick had a heart attack. He is stable. I can see him. However, I shouldn't expect him to talk to me right now. The doctors have put him into a coma. The officer tells me her job is done. She wishes me well, tells me to hang in there. Then she's gone.
The nurse takes me to Patrick. Nothing prepares me for what I see next. He is lying in the bed, his body a tangle of monitoring leads and IV lines. He is hooked up to so many machines it crosses my mind they had to hook him up to every one in the hospital just to keep him alive. My eyes go first to a huge metal monstrosity with a long plastic tube snaking out from it. The tube is taped to his face, inserted through his mouth and into his throat. The machine breathes rhythmically in and out and makes a wheezing sound. Oh my god. He's not breathing on his own. This is not looking good.
"What is all this?"
"A doctor will be in to talk to you."
I wait. A doctor comes in. He tells me Patrick had a heart attack. They have a heartbeat, but when his heart stopped beating it cut off the flow of oxygen to his brain and caused it to swell. They've put him into a coma to slow down his brain activity and reduce the swelling. At least that's what they hope will happen. They're doing the best they can.
I hear the doctor's words but I don't absorb their import. I'm still trying to process how seven hours earlier my husband and I were sitting on our patio sharing a glass of wine.
Later that morning the doctors move Pat from the ER to the ICU. All the other patients are at least thirty years older than him. I sit by his side and tell him he's going to pull through. I repeat this mantra again and again. I repeat it because I believe it is true. I don't think about what happens to a brain that's been starved of oxygen. I don't admit such thoughts into my consciousness. I allow only one thought into my consciousness: Patrick is going to be fine. Patrick is going to wake up and be fine.
I believe Patrick will wake up because Patrick is lucky. When he and his buddies go to Vegas, they lose; he wins. When Patrick goes to the track, he comes home with fistfuls of cash. The guy has a horseshoe in his pocket. But he's not just a lucky gambler. Once his wallet fell out of his pocket on his way into a store and the next weekend he went back and found it lying in the snow. Things like that happened to Patrick all the time. He was one of those people who defied the odds.
For the next five days, I live at the hospital. Twenty-one hours a day I remain at Patrick's side. I leave only to go to the washroom. The other three hours I doze in the chair beside his bed or fall asleep fitfully on the waiting room couch.
Friends and family bring me fresh clothing, encourage me to eat. I'm not interested in eating. I'm interested in telling my husband he's going to be fine. When I have to cry, I leave the room. I have to cry a lot.
I keep telling myself I'm just having a bad dream. It must be a bad dream because something like this can't be happening to Patrick. To us. I instruct myself to wake up. But every time I wake up I realize it isn't a bad dream. Here I am. There's Patrick. This is real. It must be real. The pain is excruciating. I didn't know this kind of pain existed.
I'm afraid to go to sleep. If I go to sleep, I have to wake up. If I wake up, I have to relive the horror. Either I have to awake from this nightmare or Patrick has to start talking. I don't care what happens first. I just want him to open his eyes and ask me what's for dinner.
I talk to the kids every day. They chatter away about their lives. I listen numbly. I tell them Daddy's sick and the doctors are trying to make him better. I say everything's going to be fine.
Tuesday, a friend of Patrick's comes to sit with him. He sobs the whole time. The next day he returns and sobs the whole time again. I ask him to leave. I tell him crying isn't going to serve any purpose right now. If Patrick hears him crying, he's going to think he's dying. He needs to believe that he's going to recover. And I can't have anyone around who brings me down.
Time slows. Machines bleep. The medical staff wanders in and out. Every day the nurses come in and test for Patrick's brain activity. They take a pen and push it down hard on his nail cuticle. If he pulls his hand away, that's a good sign. It means he has reflexes. It means he's responding to pain. Every day they come in and push the pen down hard on his cuticle. Every day he just lies there. He doesn't flinch or move his hand away. The nurses never say "This isn't good." They don't have to.
Wednesday. I still haven't called my parents. I don't want to call them home from Europe until I know what I'm dealing with. By Wednesday, Patrick still hasn't responded to the pen test. I call. They make arrangements to fly home.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Resilience"
by .
Copyright © 2017 Lisa Lisson.
Excerpted by permission of ECW PRESS.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
